Tales from the Porn Store

Tales from the Porn Store: #77

Tales from the Porn Store: #77 – The Abominable Lunkhead. I wish I had a clever nickname for this one lunkhead that came in today, who is about as big and dumb as they come, but I don’t. So instead of using his real name, I am just going to refer to him as the Abominable Lunkhead. Now, to help you visualize...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #76

Tales from the Porn Store: #76 – Twipple Death Burger. Today really sucked! It’s almost as if someone was standing right outside the porn store door, only letting in the people who promised to start some bullshit with me, or the ones that just looked they would be a huge pain in the ass. Sometimes, you’ve...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #75

Tales from the Porn Store: #75 – Mutants vs Douchebags. Wow. We’ve had 2 blizzards in the last 8 days, and I’m talking record shattering snowfall. There is so much snow everywhere downtown, and nowhere to put any of it. The 2 lane streets are all one lane-ish, yet the dumb motherfuckers who drive the big trucks...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #74

Tales from the Porn Store: #74 – Happy Valentines Day!. When I first sat down to write today, my plan was to take some of the ‘couples’ related story fragments I had sitting around collecting dust, and put together a couples themed tale. Then, through an awesome mysterious stroke of coincidence, we had...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #73

Tales from the Porn Store: #73 – Black Hitler. There’s an area on every customer’s account for employee notes. After a customer has been in enough times, and caused enough problems, or done enough weird shit… someone will eventually add a nickname or something funny to their customer account. This dude...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #72

Tales from the Porn Store: #72 – Good Morning Young Feller. I have begun to feel like no matter what happens in here anymore, it’s all become sort of ‘old hat’. Like for the last 70 plus tales, I have told almost 8 years worth of crazy stories and now the bar has been raised so high, that unless a man...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #71

Tales from the Porn Store: #71 – Tauntaun Porn. They had been calling for a major snowstorm (which turned out to be the biggest snowfall in the past 80 years here in Philadelphia, the 2nd biggest in recorded history) so I figured there was a really good chance of work being canceled for today, but no one called...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #70

Tales from the Porn Store: #70 – Scream Blacula Scream (my re-make fantasy). The Dirt Dog had just walked in as I was hitting play on Scream Blacula, Scream. He is a harmless entertaining crazy person who may be homeless. He is really short and has a nice afro with a receding hairline, and a really good beard....

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Tales from the Porn Store: #69

Tales from the Porn Store: #69 – That’ll be 151 Nickels. Today, as a documentary on Hunter S. Thompson played in the background on the DVD player, I had what was a pretty typical morning here in the land of lube and pornography. The very first guy to walk into the store, who as of today will be affectionately...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #68

Tales from the Porn Store: #68 – I’m Gonna Die!. Since I couldn’t really sleep last night, I kept waking up every hour or so. I woke up about an hour before my chainsaw alarm clock went off, and just ended up getting up for the day. I am sure my wife appreciated this, since she only works one job and gets...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #67

Tales from the Porn Store: #67 – Morlocks in the Public Library. I am sitting at the Philadelphia Public Library, at a table in the back with my laptop, listening to the Danny Bonaduce show podcast (trust me, he is fucking hilarious! I had originally lumped him in with all the joke has-been whatevers, until...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #66

Tales from the Porn Store: #66 – Screeched. Preface: I wrote most of this Tale a while back, almost 3 years ago I think. I didn’t want to post it until I could actually see the Screeched DVD (which I didn’t really want to watch), so I could comment on the DVD since it’s relevant to this tale. Hence...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #65

Tales from the Porn Store: #65 – Tron. When I walked in the porn store this morning, I randomly grabbed a movie to throw in the DVD player, just so there was something going on in the background to break up the silence and the occasional smut zombie scratching at the door moaning the word ‘porn’ over and...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #64

Tales from the Porn Store: #64 – A Day in the Life of Some Jerk who Works Downtown . As I turned the corner and walked down the sidewalk approaching the porn store, I noticed two things… it appears as though someone is doing something with the old pussy tea palace, and the other is that homeless man that...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #63

Tales from the Porn Store: #63 – Nasti Neena. Today I had a pretty typical morning. It all started out with me being very tired, very hungry, and very irritable. After the initial opening blitz of chuds, molemen, bankers, and wannabe thugs… the morning slowed down a little bit and then eventually the entire...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #62

Tales from the Porn Store: #62 – Watch it Burn. I woke up at 7:00am today so that I could do 90 minutes of work for my one job, before leaving to go work an 8 hour shift at the porn store… only to come back home and work some more. I ended up having to wait 25 minutes for the bus (that runs every 12-15 minutes),...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #61

Tales from the Porn Store: #61 – Y’all’s Gots Dirty Movies in Heera?. Now there’s making fun of people just to be mean, and in my case just to entertain myself, but then there are the people who are so fucked up, you don’t even bother to make fun of them. If fact, you would probably feel guilty making fun...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #60

Tales from the Porn Store: #60 – Crack Whore, the Musical. So a guy walks into a porn store… this dude used to come in a few times a day – everyday, but I haven’t seen him in a while. I think he’s a door man at a hotel close by, and used to always come in during his shift. I never really had any problems...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #59

Tales from the Porn Store: #59 – The Jimi Hendrix Pornographic Experience. I hadn’t been to the porn store in 2 weeks, and I was actually supposed to have off this weekend too. Even though I had not been working at the porn store, between some huge events and recording, my days off have usually ended up being...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #58

Tales from the Porn Store: #58 – Planet of the Painted Pussies! (A Evening of Metal, Sex Toys, & Porn!). For this week’s Tale, we are going to be once again venturing outside safety and security that the pornstore itself provides, and directly engaging pornography itself… well sorta. But, don’t worry...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #57

Tales from the Porn Store: #57 – A Day Without the Crazies, Would be like a Day Without Sunshine. So I’m just chillin at Porn Central, watching one of the Harry Potter movies. I enjoyed them all a great deal, but I guess I never really paid attention enough to completely grasp the storyline. I have watched...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #56

Tales from the Porn Store: #56 – Everyday I’m Hustlin’… Pokemon Cards. It’s a slow rainy Saturday morning here at the ‘Porn Command Center’. It has actually been pretty slow customer-wise, which is amazing, since normally on days like this all the giant albino alligators who live in the sewers come...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #55

Tales from the Porn Store: #55 – Lifeless Bodies, Fresh Baked Cookies, & Wrestling DVDs. I’ve been so busy lately that I have been getting up super early just to squeeze more things into each day. So today I got up 3 hours before I had to actually be at work, and immediately starting drinking Red Bull....

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Tales from the Porn Store: #54

Tales from the Porn Store: #54 – Skin Remover. Today was a pretty interesting day. It started out with my wife and I taking the long drive to North Jersey for our day at the office (aka The Sex Toy Command Center). The day at the office went pretty great actually. A lot of great things happened, but none of them...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #53

Tales from the Porn Store: #53 – Customer Appreciation Day. Customer Appreciation Day… yeah, that’s never going to fucking happen. But, here are some random thoughts about how the porn store customers are better than customers everywhere else I go; especially in West Philly. *** I have lived in West Philly off...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #52

Tales from the Porn Store: #52 – Asshole vs. Porn Store Ok, I am aware of the fact that everyone processes information differently, reacts differently, and executes actions differently. I am also aware of the fact that sometimes the way a person might do these things, may make absolutely no fucking sense to me....

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Tales from the Porn Store: #51

Tales from the Porn Store: #51 – What the Fuck Sandwich I am fully aware that half of each Tale, now consists of me bitching about my bus ride to work and trying to get breakfast, and… today’s tale will be no different. You know what, today’s will actually be worse. I am going to bitch about breakfast and...

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Tales from the Porn Store: #50

Tales from the Porn Store: #50 – Monkey Shines (aka Just Another Boring Day at the Office) Before we get into the absurd story telling and my extremely immature sense of humor, I want to say a few things about this, my 50th ‘Tale from the Porn Store’. I came to work at the porn store (and later at Eden) over...

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